As luck would (not) have it, Sammy would not be able to keep our appointment. I received a message shortly after booking that said she had been in close contact with someone who tested positive for Covid. She apologized and hoped I’d be able to reschedule for a couple weeks out. So we did.

In the meantime, I booked a massage with the second choice on my list, even though…I knew. What I gathered from this other therapist’s website was that she was competent and friendly and that she had plenty of loyal clients. But something in her photo, in her eyes, gave me the impression of inattentiveness…even though I can’t say what it was at this point.

What I do know is that we were confirmed for a massage to which she never showed. I waited at her office. Fifteen minutes past our appointment time, I finally called her. “Oh,” she said. “I’m so sorry! Something came up with my daughter that I had to take care of. If you can just wait 20 more minutes, I’ll be there….” I told her thank you but that I would just pass this time around.

And I decided to wait for Sammy because of what I already knew–that I needed to see her.

————–

The days passed. I spent them being with my daughter, doing house-wifey-, mom-at-homey-type stuff. I spent nights alone, after everyone else was asleep, keeping my curious mind busy by continuing to read about positive energy and intuition and how to increase happy chemicals and what to “do” about being an empath. I continued to speckle my journal with threads to follow and reminders like “find things that spark joy” and “look for others who are in the moment.” I put out quite a few quirky to-do lists for myself…ones like this:

• *Tourmaline for negative ions.*
• *Inner Circle Retreats in Santa Fe.*
• *bergamot.*
• *Care Bear Stare!!!!*
• *Tara Brach guided meditations.*
• *Endorphin marathon….*

I remember one day, around this time, having a thought that what I was experiencing was similar to “molting.” I was clearly shedding some layers that felt important for new growth, but I felt a bit ugly and awkward. Strangely coincidental, that same day, a neighbor friend caught my daughter and me out in the yard and invited us over to see his chickens. There was one chicken apart from the rest, and the neighbor commented that this hen was unusual in that she continued to lay eggs even as she was molting. I pondered that as a metaphor but I knew nothing about chickens. Another metaphor.

Here are some quotes I wrote down from my breadcrumbs journal:

8/26/20:
“‘Your soul mate can become your cell mate’ if both of you are not dedicated to mutual growth and authenticity. It’s painful to be in a relationship where communication isn’t a priority.”
-Dr. Judith Orloff, The Empath’s Survival Guide

9/2/20:
“Let the beauty we love be what we do. There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.”
-Rumi

9/6/20:
“Anthony is the string to my kite. :)”
-me

9/7/20:
“I was thinking yesterday about soul mates and how I feel like I have had / do have / will have many of them. It’s nice to feel that I don’t have to have THE ONE soul mate to marry, etc. That’s a lot of pressure, and the truth is that these soul mates need to come and go appropriately, as we fit (or don’t fit) into each others’ lives. That’s not something I could see when I was younger.”
-me

9/8/20:
“When you operate your life as your Higher Self, things align almost as if by magic. Synchronicities appear, the right doors open at the right time, and you feel a sense of protection….”
-Tanaaz Chubb, The Power of Positive Energy

9/11/20:
“Everyone knows that the great energies running amok cast
terrible shadows, that each of the so-called
senseless acts has its thread looping back through the world and into a human heart.”
-Mary Oliver, excerpt from Shadows

9/12/20:
“When you’re sensually in love with all of life (this azalea, that Siamese cat, the foam on a cresting wave), you’ll feel more passion. Even without a relationship, your sensual self can be fed. However, if you choose to be with a partner, you won’t arrive empty-handed, nor will you expect him or her to kindle a passion you already possess.”
-Tanaaz Chubb, The Power of Positive Energy

And here, the day before meeting Sammy, is one last quote which foresadows anticipates the events to come:

9/13/20:
“Every object, every being, is a jar full of delight. Be a connoisseur, and taste with caution.”
-Rumi

I set a reminder in my phone for the time of my massage: “Pay attention. Be present.” I didn’t want to miss it.

Previous–>8…my experiment. Next–>10…on the table.