Category: open marriage

24…conduit.

November 14th, 2023

“Good morning! What have you been up to?” I messaged Sammy the next day.

Anthony happened to be off for the second day in a row, so it was another lazy day at home. I stayed cozy in bed, soaking up reading and journaling time while I kept an ear out for Leetl to wake up. Anthony had gotten up early to check off some of his daily personal fulfillments…working out, listening to sports radio, playing video games. Most of his days off were spent in the downstairs level of our home, a gigantic man cave, which was connected to the upstairs by an outdoor staircase. I had gifted him a golf simulator for some special occasion…a birthday or Christmas. He liked to practice his swing and his aim, and he would spend hours at a time doing that. Occasionally, a stray ball from down below would crack loudly against the floor beneath my bed.

Sammy’s answer sounded charming. “I’ve been doing various things…running around the lake, reading/snuggling, cleaning out a closet, massage exchange…. Superbloom came home a little while ago and we read poetry in bed…now she is curled around my back, sleeping soundly while I text you. It’s all pretty damn adorable…. How did the rest of your conversation go with Anthony? Anything you’re willing to share?”

I had discussed certain things with Anthony regarding Sammy and me. He was concerned. Mostly about Sammy and her becoming too attached to me, given that Sammy’s wife was in a serious relationship with someone else. He assumed that this “abandonment” would have left Sammy with a “hole” that needed filling. But mostly, really, Anthony seemed concerned about me getting involved in a messy situation.

“What if the emotions get out of hand?” was the question he had posed to me. “What’s the end game in all of this? Your exit strategy?”

I didn’t have one. I was relying solely on my (and Sammy’s) (and, frankly, Anthony’s) strength…and capacity…to handle difficult emotions as they arose. It’s the way I had always done things; it seemed the same for Sammy. And Anthony didn’t seem to be affected emotionally by much at all so I assumed he was good.

Anthony did apparently need reassurance, though, that our family was my top priority. I gave it to him assuredly, explaining that he and Leetl would always be put first, as Superbloom would always be put first by Sammy. I would never put them in jeopardy.

I told Sammy about Anthony’s reservations, adding: “He tends to ask about what we’ve done, but of course with you and me, it’s not really about that: it’s about the connection. And that’s the part that scares him.”

“He should know that that kind of connection can only happen in the context of our both being in grounded, solid, loving partnerships. It’s a gift to be able to explore these edges of ourselves and then to be able to bring the incredible goodness that that offers back to our family…. Superbloom and I have never been closer, actually, and that is saying a lot. She has made such a beautiful shift, as have I. And you have helped me get here. I’m so grateful. You helped break something free in me. I rediscovered the flow of Love that is always there but often obscured by patterns and hurts and and and….”

“You do know that if Anthony said, ‘I’m done – I can’t do this anymore,’ I would honor that?” I was just checking. I had to be sure.

“I do. And I want that for your family…. Dan Savage always says something like ‘make sure you leave your people better than when you found them.’ You have fulfilled that in such a sweet way. Even if you had to drop away suddenly due to the needs of your family, I would be kissing the ground in gratitude for the fact of you in the world.”

As so often with words I read from Sammy, her intensity and generosity were spellbinding. I had no words of reply, only little yellow animated faces of love and awe.

Sammy went on. “I told Superbloom how impressed I was with your claiming your yeses…that you were a complete badass. (Sorry for the crassness…I know it doesn’t suit you.) I told her how hot you were and described some of the amazing ways you showed up. I told her I was really looking forward to Tuesday night. She was excited for us.”

There was a brief pause before Sammy continued.

“I have been working on a letter to Anthony. I’m almost finished. I think he’ll feel better with some assurances and articulation of common ground on my part.”

“I mentioned that and…he actually said he’d rather just meet you. Are you up for that?”

“Totally! I much prefer it. It’s uncomfortable for me that he doesn’t know me…. Are you spending the night on Tuesday?”

“Oh, I didn’t know I was being extended an overnight offer! But I actually can’t, anyway. Anthony has to work the next morning, so I’ll need to be home with Leetl.” (I also had never been away from Leetl overnight; that was a big step, on more than one level.)

“How late can you stay with me Tuesday? Do you need to get home before Anthony goes to bed?”

“No, but…I’m thinking that he’ll have trouble sleeping until I’m home, so I won’t stay out too late.”

“Are you available two weekends out for us to spend some longer time together?”

“I would love to spend those days with you, but I’m not sure we’re there yet…’we’re’ meaning Anthony and I.”

“You’re kind of an enigma to me. I just…keep not being able to understand how you exist.”

As Superbloom stirred awake, Sammy excused herself and skittered off to go play with her, given that Thursdays were their designated days of unobliterated time to spend together.

I disappeared for some hours too, tending to Leetl, performing housely duties, ordering groceries online, which was my new custom, given the pandemic culture.

When Sammy re-emerged electronically, she had finished her letter to Anthony.

“I wonder if we might start a group chat between the three of us….” she suggested.

Anthony had been experiencing a squeamishness around intimate contact with Sammy, as was his style in general. He would not be interested, I assumed I knew, based on his previous reactions to gestures of connection.

“I love your heart. I don’t think it’s time yet. He and I are about to head out for something to eat, though, and I can approach the idea with him. He seems to need time to sort this out alone, as is his way…he’s not into working it out through talking or listening, if that makes sense. It’s a difficult aspect of our relationship, if I’m being honest. I hope you can understand his need for some distance in the beginning….”

“Sounds good. I’ll send you what I wrote and you can share or not.”

Dear Anthony,

Hi, it’s Sammy. 🙂 I have seen and experienced your admirable character through the eyes of your loving wife, and look forward to a time when I can meet you, as well. I have been somewhat uncomfortable not having been in direct conversation with you, reassuring you around what my interest and motives are in relationship with her. I stopped myself from insisting that I formally do so because it sounded like you guys were rolling with it all in a way that I admire and respect–two loving autonomous souls wanting to see the other thrive within the context of their commitment to each other, whatever that looks like for them. I fully identify with that sentiment in my relationship with Superbloom, AND I have to say that it hasn’t been exactly easy actually assimilate it all, especially where it wades out of the waters that we all swim in (hetero-normative monogamy). So, I wouldn’t be so surprised if this was your experience, as well.

I feel it is such a precious gift to be able to jump into the unknown with your wife, and your consent is a critical part of that gift. And in order to consent, it seems you need to know a little more about what/who you”re consenting to.

I want to assure you that I only have love for your wife (and you and Leetl). Love doesn’t possess, demand, create havoc. I love with an open hand and try to have my eyes wide open, perceiving where the service of love is most needed.

If it were me in your position, the escalation of this new relationship would feel really fast and scary. From this side of the equation, I want to say that while it’s crazy fun to ride the wave of new relationship energy, we are adults in important relationships to humans we love and adore and are fully committed to. And where my Loves are committed, so am I. Your and Leetl’s comfort, ease, and delight are important to me. The harmony and thriving energy within your household is one I want to fully support. If I had a hope, it would be that this exploration is one that brings only goodness and growth to both of our families…more love, more support, more fully expressed individuals in community with each other.

I’d like to propose that we can discover what the form of that wants to look like by being in open conversation. Finding our yeses and our nos through time and experience, knowing all the while that your needs and feelings are valid and respected. There are two sets of eyes looking to meet you where you’re at with tenderness and care.

Without talking with you, I haven’t gotten a sense of exactly where your pain and fear lives. These are usually born of old childhood trauma that we have no control over and can be really confusing…our mind will rationally know one thing (that you are safe and loved and respected, etc.), but our body and emotions react in a way that our brains might perceive as ridiculous (at least this is my experience). If you have parts like that, I hope you can be patient with them. And, should you and your wife decide to continue this exploration in opening up in my direction, I hope you will reach for our support when you’re experiencing those parts. If there are ones that you have identified that could be addressed by actions or words on my or your wife’s part, I hope you will not hesitate to ask. As a ‘for instance,’ I have a part that gets really anxious about being left out. When Superbloom started to venture out, that anxious part would quiet down by Superbloom simply calling me with her excitement about what she was doing; texting with a fun picture from her date, etc. I also had a super insecure part, and that part was easily soothed by explicit, verbal reassurances of love and affection and specialness. These may not be your particular things, but know that it’s ok to just ask for stuff that makes your life easier and more awesome for you!

Because of the sensitive and complex nature of it all, this letter is sure to fall short in so many ways. I hope it can serve as an opening to more ongoing, open conversation. I’d prefer it if we are in some way connecting and talking about this stuff together, but if you don’t feel the want or need to be in direct conversation, your wife will be the conduit, and I hope you know I’m on the other end loving you in the ways that I can. No matter what all this looks like, in the end.

With so much in the way of love and respect and gratitude for the way you are in the world….
Sammy

Previous –> 23…current. Next –> 25…received.
23…current.

November 6th, 2023

Arriving home, I headed to the bedroom where I knew Anthony would be. He was in an all too familiar position: sitting on the edge of our bed, game controller in hand. When I came into view, uncharacteristically, he paused his game. I kissed him with those same lips.

“Well? How did it go? Did you have a good time?” he asked, with urgency.

“Yeah. It was amazing….” I said with a huge smile on my face.

“Well………what did you do?”

“Everything….” I said, tantalizing myself, just as much as Anthony, still beaming involuntarily.

“Everything???” he confirmed, an octave higher. His expression conveyed some degree of disbelief, in my estimation, which surprised me. “What’s ‘everything’?”

Shyness suddenly overcame me. I was willing to share my experience but felt somehow unable to now, paralyzed at the idea of relating it so straightforwardly. And that’s what he seemed to want in this moment: the facts.

Leetl bounced around on the bed, her iPad fully occupying her attention. I placed my hand on the top of her head to say hello, as a place-marker for later. She probably wouldn’t understand any of the “adult conversation” her parents were having…but maybe she would, and that didn’t seem worth the risk.

“I will tell you everything in a bit. I do need to hop in the shower first.”

“Ok,” he said, unpausing his game and going back to it, seeming somewhat perturbed by the lack of clear information. Nevertheless, I continued to the bathroom.

As I showered for the second time that day, I wondered how to share my newfound world of enchantment with Anthony. As my husband, he was entitled to all of the juicy details he wanted, and yet, to minimize my experience with Sammy to the bare mechanics would be to omit the essence of our interaction…to crassify it…to desanctify it. On the other hand, he didn’t seem to have an interest in the spiritual-emotional aspect of our connection (or anyone’s connection), so what was the point of trying to serve up any of that deliciousness? How could his attention span sustain it?

Cleansed, dried, and dressed, I re-entered our world. It looked the same to me as before my time with Sammy. And, to a large extent, nothing external had changed. It’s just that now I was tapped into pure romantic delight; it was waiting for me. I had a more direct line to what had been inspiring me lately. My muse had been a theory and now she had a name. She captivated my attention. She increased my appreciation for the mystery of life. And yet, I was not mistaking her as my reason for living, intoxicating though she was….

I can see how that would happen, though. In fact, if Leetl hadn’t come into my life before I’d met Sammy, things might have been different. I might have thought that Sammy was the answer to my life’s purpose/meaning/direction, because of how strongly I felt. I’d experienced some of that, strangely, with Leetl. You fall in love in a similar way with your kids. It can be a slippery slope…falling in love, putting the object of affection front and center in your life, getting rid of everything that isn’t them-focused, and continuing like that until when, forever?

It’s fun and magical; falling in love opens you up to unconditional love for a conditional period of time. Falling in love with your child is sometimes fun and magical, it is also quite often a shit show. It’s hard. Like catching an evolutionary virus that you can’t recover from. They vomit on you, they keep you awake at night, they publicly punch you in the face for setting a limit…and all the more avidly you will proclaim your unconditional love for them. It makes no sense: it’s idiotic. And you’re so smitten with them that someone can even accuse you of being an idiot for your kids, and you’ll do your best Goofy laugh [ah-hyuck!] and shamelessly admit to it.

I’m not judging. Because when you find out that Love (big love) exists for real–without qualifiers–how could you not be absurdly giddy about it? You’ve found God, for real this time. Actually, you’ve found it within yourself but you don’t notice that part. You don’t realize that you’re making yourself giddy because inside of you is the unconditional love that was inspired right out of you. So instead you just keep worshipping your kid (who is probably–let’s face it–spectacularly average) and keep looking for God everywhere else.

All of this is to say that while I was in total bliss falling in love with Sammy, I was under no delusion that she was meant to be my life’s purpose…that I needed to leave my old life behind and start a new one with her. Things didn’t have to look blissful every moment to experience the bliss of being in love; Leetl taught me that. She was messy; we were messy; life was messy. Rather, Sammy was in the Current that swept me up…she was a permutation of Love that was particularly awe-inspiring to me…and I understood that staying in this Current, whether or not Sammy was there, was the most important thing for me to do. Ever.

Life was life – plain and simple – on the outside. My “life” on this day looked like any other weekday that Anthony had off work. In fact, it looked a lot like a Sunday. Easy. Everyone sort of doing their own thing around the house. Leetl needed lots of attention, and Anthony had been on duty for the hours that I was gone, so it was my turn. Besides having only fragmented moments where connection might have been possible, the conversation didn’t seem one appropriate in the presence of a three-almost-four-year-old, however, so it wasn’t until the eveningtime, lying in bed, that we had time for a full debriefing.

I told Anthony (in detail, but not in great detail) what had “happened.” He had wanted bite-sized pieces that he could chew up and swallow, and I was spoon-feeding them to him, one by one. And then, we were all out of bites.

Feeling the weight of what was at stake in this phase of my personal expansion, I was grateful for a marriage that seemed to be able to hold it. I laid my head on Anthony’s chest, as we curled up together. It felt good to come back together as one, after such an adventurous day…one that might otherwise have been destabilizing and could have lead to further distance. I rubbed Anthony’s chest; he caressed my arm. One thing led to another, as they often did, and we fell into the familiar rhythm, making some of the most passionate love in our marriage.

Previous –> 22…hiking. Next –> 24…conduit.

Image by Patou Ricard from Pixabay
18…orgy.

September 25th, 2023

I woke up the next morning to the news that my grandmother had passed away overnight at the age of 99 years. Nearly a century of living on this planet, and now, during this particular half-rotation of the earth, she had chosen to exit life as she knew it. So did I. Neither of us, I imagined, had any idea what would come next.

I reveled in the timing. She knew. She must have. My grandmother was wise – and special. I contemplated Grams and the concept of “time.” Her magnetism had always tampered with the time. She couldn’t keep a watch on her wrist because time would slow down and eventually stop…. Once, when I was a few years old and too excited for tomorrow to be able to sleep tonight, she told me, “The sooner you sleep, the sooner tomorrow will come.” And she was right. I marveled at her magic.

She was a Time Master.

And now, she was right again. Big Right. Magic.

I found Anthony and caught him up on all the news. My grandmother. The conversation with Sammy. ~~All about it.~~ The condensed version. I pulled some juicy threads so he could share in my excitement and, frankly, in my incredulity.

The chosen highlights aroused him.

I felt him out a little longer…dug a little deeper for the answer I wanted to ask: Was it actually acceptable to him for his wife to have an intimate relationship with another woman, or was that just his fantasy?

“Go for it,” he said. “You do you, man.” I gazed at him, hesitating after what seemed like a flippant reply to a pretty big deal. “Just be careful,” he added. “Two families are involved here.”

I knew that. I wasn’t worried. And besides the mild cautionary note, he didn’t seem worried either. My position with Anthony was secure. I knew myself well enough to know that I was committed to this marriage. I had always been adamant about divorce not being an option under any circumstance. We had been through a decade of years together, and I hadn’t backed out yet. I loved him. And as far as I knew, some extra excitement and intimacy weren’t threats. I was in this marriage for life.

I ran to Sammy like a schoolgirl on the playground, relaying all the details to my bff.

Superbloom had given a similar message to Sammy about our quickly forming bond: be mindful. Both of our spouses had previously assumed, given the lack of clear evidence, that Sammy and I were imagining more of a connection than there actually was.

“She knows she’s doing it, right? I’m not totally making it up?” Sammy had asked Superbloom, once upon a conversation about us. Sammy showed her our text exchange, full of poetic metaphor and veiled innuendo.

“You totally read into everything,” she replied. “I’m sure she’s not thinking what you’re thinking she’s thinking.”

Given the new development, I wondered how Superbloom was feeling about this budding romance. Sammy assured me that Superbloom had been enjoying the beauty of it all and, in fact, had wanted the night before to send me a “hot” photo of the birthday girl at dinner. Sammy sent it to me now.

She did, indeed, look beautiful. Her face still wasn’t familiar enough to me though to register what I felt. This would take some getting used to. Over the airways, my heart stayed remarkably close to hers; seeing real-life photos of her was disconcerting. I questioned what it meant to be physically attracted to someone.

I also noticed that the dinner guest in the photo was blacked out. I wondered at the significance.

The day went on with few check-ins. Sammy had been busy managing the local farmer’s market all afternoon, and after wrapping it up, she took time to catch up with me.

She wished she was bringing me strawberries.

Mid-conversation, Sammy was caught texting me alongside the road. Superbloom and X (Superbloom’s lover) had intended to sweep her away for a quick dip in the ocean, and she was stalling for a moment to connect with me.

With this, Sammy told me that she would join the waiting others and promised that she’d be back soon. She sent me a photo of two nude backsides running towards the setting sun and into the waves.

Sammy, I saw in my mind’s eye, was the third.

When she returned: an unintended bombshell.

It had come up innocently enough. Sammy was “entertaining some folks” later on that night. “One woman in every decade of life, 40-70.”

I froze in shock at the liberal display of an open relationship structure that I was only beginning to form a picture of. “A woman in every decade of life” helped to paint that picture too vividly, too soon.

A themed party???

People host themed game nights, so why not themed sex nights? I tried to reason. It makes sense.

No, I argued. It doesn’t make sense! This is immoral and absurd. What have I gotten myself into?

My mind began involuntary calculations. Four women including Sammy, or four women besides Sammy? And then…she had mentioned a “friend” staying over last week. Was this a friend, or a friend? Five…maybe more…in the couple of weeks I’ve known her…and then me…intended lucky six?

Troubled, I couldn’t think of a thing I wanted to say to Sammy except that I hoped that her night was as fulfilling as she wished. I needed distance to breathe, to feel safe again.

What did it mean that just last night we were confessing love and deep attraction for each other, and tonight she was with someone(s) else? My perception of our connection, which I thought was unique, was disrupted by the addition of this new information. Could I let go of everything I was accustomed to expecting out of relationship in order to engage in this moment with this person? Was that even something I wanted, given what I knew now? To let go of the whole framework? I was being asked to take an even bigger step than the gigantic one I had taken just the night before. Was there enough real about our affinity to be worth the risk?

Throughout the evening, I caught mental flashes of what Sammy must be doing…where her hands must be, what her lips must be doing. I pushed them away as fast as I could, in panic, in disgust, so as not to drive myself crazy. Was I really careless enough to fall in love with someone who pops an orgy like one pops an Advil?

I was reminded of Anthony’s friend from the Island who fell in love with a prostitute after having been her client. He wooed her, took her on lavish dates, showered her with attention. She accepted these bids but in the end, the relationship didn’t seem to mean as much to her. He was driven mad with jealousy and heartache as she received his gifts and continued seeing clients. I pitied him. But I also felt slightly amused at the outcome which I believed he deserved.

Maybe I also deserved this.

Somehow, I felt fine being in the same boat as him. I’m the dumb bastard who fell in love with someone who couldn’t possibly feel the same way, who had a completely different view of sex and relationship. One of my favorite movie lines came to mind: “I feel like I just found out my favorite love song was written about a sandwich.”

I felt dejected, and with the changing of the wind, I wasn’t sure I could pursue this…whatever-it-was. Did our connection feel so strong, so awe-inspiring, so divine…that it was worth the cost? The cost of breaking all of the rules, looking like an idiot, and having my heart shattered into a million pieces?

Sammy.

Something inside me said yes but I didn’t know why. She was worth it, whatever the cost. But tonight was not the time to decide anything. My heart and head couldn’t handle it.

I felt sick.

An orgy.

Photo by Andrew Gallagher on Pixabay

Previous –> 17…it’s on. Next –> 19…shy.

Category: open marriage

24…conduit.

23…current.

18…orgy.