Here it was…the day, arriving in just the same way all the other days had, but this one was special. Neither Sammy nor I had slept much the night before, in anticipation of what was to come. The morning began with an uncharacteristically brief exchange between us; then, Sammy had clients all morning, and I had housely and momly duties to perform until we saw each other.
I had taken a shower two times as long as normal, shaving off every little hair, making my legs and everything else as smooth and silky as humanly possible, thoroughly washing every inch of my body, knowing that if we ended up back at Sammy’s house after the hike, she would be exploring each one of them. Sammy was sensitive to scent so I put on my least-fragranced lotion to seal in the softness of my skin. I dressed for our excursion, putting on the only athletic-looking clothing I owned, along with new shoes I had bought specifically for this occasion. I laced them up, thinking about all the newness.
I presented myself to Anthony, a slightly shinier version than he was used to seeing. He had the day off and said he would watch Leetl while I was spending time with Sammy. “Are you sure about all of this?” I checked one last time. (Please don’t say ‘no’ noooww, I begged silently.) “You do you,” he reiterated. “Ok,” I said, as I gave him a peck on the lips and an update on what Leetl needed. “I love you,” I said, my heart throbbing with excitement and grief. Why did I feel like Ariel kissing her dad farewell on her wedding day? Why did it feel like he was giving me away?
I left. Moved straight through the house alone and out the front door across the drive into my car. I started the engine and before I knew it, I was sailing around the curves, blasting “What Lovers Want” with the windows rolled down, honoring the momentum that had gotten me here and the musical spark that had accompanied it.
Of course, I left a few minutes early because I always do. I hate being late. Even meeting a friend, I will arrive early and park down the street until the appropriate time of arrival, at which point I will pull up. I don’t want anyone to think I’m a dweeb for being early, but I certainly don’t want to be rude for being late. Punctuality: it’s a weird little quirk in my otherwise type-not-A personality.
I wondered what Sammy was doing in this moment…probably frantically tidying up weeks’ worth of mess, if she was anything like me. I sent her a message telling her please not to fuss over anything related to our visit.
I parked right down the street, right before our date, waiting for exactly the right time.
“Just finishing up with my last client!” she finally responded, right before time.
I started driving. “On my way!” I texted back, breaking the law.
As I pulled down the long, winding drive, the butterflies in my stomach multiplied. Can I kiss you when I see you? That moment was a milli-moment away now. First kisses always made me nervous. I mean excited? Yeah, excited. Nervous-excited and I…….
arrived. And there she was.
I saw her inside, walking window by window until she reached the French doors to her home. The top floor, their private space, where only the divinely privileged had access. She opened the doors for me and stood there, directing all her warmth and radiance in my direction, like a single beam of light, thawing me from my inert state.
Practically bounding out of the car, I greeted her exuberantly, not willing to approach the moment with silence. I rushed to her quickly and intentionally…across the driveway, up the steps, to the doors…and then stopped directly in front of her. “Hi,” she said, slowly and sensuously, satin and silk lacing her voice. I took her in. My heart caught up to my body. Sammy looked into my eyes and then down at my mouth and started moving in closer. And then, as if by some magic force – one where I knew just what to do – my lips drew nearer and nearer to hers until I could feel the warmth of her breath…and then…the wetness of her mouth. Sammy’s lips caressed mine, deliberately. Their softness was intoxicating. I coaxed her lips open with mine and slid my tongue inside, feeling the shape and texture of hers…getting to know her from the inside. Pulling her toward me, my hands traced the contours of her back and moved along the curves of her waist and hips and around to her cheeks. Waves of erotic energy moved through me, as we pulsed together, thrusting our bodies together at each wave, only our clothing separating us.
Suddenly, our moment of intoxication was met by a thud. We had slightly lost our balance and had fallen together against the door. I hadn’t noticed until now how much I was shaking. We reassessed the situation. Sammy removed from my shoulder the heavy purse I didn’t know I was carrying and sat it down on a chair by the door. She grabbed my hand and gently led me into the kitchen.
And that’s when I knew………we weren’t going on a hike.
“Can I pour you a drink?” Sammy asked me. “Botanicals are good for calming nerves and muscles.” We each had a shot and continued downstairs. She had suggested that before our hike she give me a massage, like “old times.” She waited in the other room as I slid out of my clothes and climbed face-down onto the warm table, covering my backside with that same white, crisp sheet.
When she returned to the room, the cells on my skin buzzed in recognition of her presence, awaiting our tactile reunion. She applied her hands to my back and I was home again. This time her touch was about our connection – not about my back. I could feel that. As she kneaded into me, she expressed her heart and desire in long strokes, each one culminating with a tender kiss on my back…and then on my shoulders and then on my neck…and then on my thighs.
An hour of having my body adored and covered this way with kisses was wildly romantic, and also, there was a perplexing aspect. Lying face down, I was able to have privacy while gestures of connection and affection were generously lavished upon me…all while my back was turned towards Sammy, preventing mutual exchange. Usually, I was on the other side of this equation. I was the lavisher. I wondered about my capacity to be a receiver of this much unobliterated attention. I couldn’t wait to turn over and respond to my lover.
It was time for a standard bathroom break. Growing up, one of the nicknames my dad gave me was “TB” – short for “tiny bladder.” We had spent a lot of time in the car together, and I inevitably needed to stop every hour or two. Maybe I actually do have a small bladder, or maybe I’m just very sensitive to my comfort level, knowing that I won’t really be able to enjoy that movie or conversation or (as dreamy luck would have it here) a sensual back-kissing massage, on a full bladder.
I let my benefactor know of my needs. She was gracious and said that anyway, it was time for me to turn over.
“You remember where the bathroom is?” Sammy waited for me to get up.
“Yes. Can you please close your eyes?”
Sammy laughed and closed her eyes while I got off the table and floated to the bathroom.
So far, we’d done relatively little talking, and I still needed to tell Sammy about my history with Superbloom. I wasn’t looking forward to it but at the rate we were going, I needed to forge that path, rather than just hoping it would come up in conversation naturally.
When I returned, Sammy (back turned) patted the table and said, “Face-up now.” Yessss, I thought, as I climbed back on and under the sheet, tucking it under my arms. Face to face.
As luck would have it, Sammy approached the topic I had intended to. “Now that we’re together, I’m so curious to find out about your October/November question from the other day….”
Nervously, I began explaining the bipolar episode that happened after the miscarriage and led to my infatuation with her wife. “I sort of…fell in love with her…and those feelings took a long time to fade. I wanted to tell you because I didn’t want to start our relationship not telling you the whole truth about it……..”
Sammy’s face stiffened a little, and she responded. “Well, of course you fell in love with Superbloom. She’s beautiful and she’s amazing…. Maybe we can see where we are in a month and if she has any interest in….”
My heart was experiencing pangs. Sammy seemed to be misunderstanding what I was saying. From my perspective, this bit of history was just a technicality to be disclosed, and had no bearing on future or current feelings or wishes. I was in love with Sammy, not Superbloom. Frankly, I couldn’t even think about attraction to someone else in this moment with Sammy. She occupied all my free thoughts.
“No…that’s not…I’m not looking for that with Superbloom….” I said, contorting my face. “I actually had the sense after meeting you that you must have been pulling me through her or something, that maybe I was feeling you…that maybe I was in love with you, even before knowing you….”
Her face softened, in thought, still quiet…as she began soothing my muscles again, with the same long strokes…gently, sacredly…continuing to kiss in between her movements, blessing my feet, my knees, and my neck with her lips.
Sammy had been doing all the kissing, and it was driving me crazy. She reached her hands under my back and thrust upwards, causing my breasts to rise and the sheet to fall off of them. Leaning over me, she kissed my mouth slowly, sensuously. Then, she walked around the table to my side.
I rolled over to face her, grabbing her hips and drawing them in. I pressed my mouth to her pants, ravenously massaging what was underneath them, breathing onto her the warmth and moisture of my breath. Tugging on the material, I found the first button. I undid it, slow-kissing the lacy edge of her panty-line with pressure. And the next button, and the next, lower and lower….
I looked up at Sammy, whose back was arched, holding onto the table. I interrupted her moaning. “Buttons? Really??” I teased her.
Sammy laughed and said, “Follow me.”
I left my clothes behind, following her upstairs to the master bedroom.
The room itself was simple. A dark wooden bed with built-in bookshelves, all filled with poetry and philosophy, leaned against one wall. An unabashedly textured rug with gently bold colors warmed the floor…soft white on the walls…brushed gold fixtures…blush sheets…all overlooking a grand lake and mountains. The room was a personification of the Sammy-Superbloom duo, I imagined.
Superbloom. I’d be in her bed, in their bed, with Sammy; would she care? (I would have.) I was feeling strangely like a voyeur in my own life….
Now. I won’t go into detail because it’s not that kind of a blog, but Sammy and I made passionate love for the next two hours. And if you’re the kind of person who thinks the idea of two women together is hot, you’re underestimating. It felt so good to kiss – and to touch – a woman. Or maybe it was just Sammy.
It was exploration in every sense. I had never been so fully connected to another human being. Somehow there was a sense of a knowing and a not knowing converging to form its own Big Bang.
We completely lost track of time. Sammy’s next client showed up earlier than expected, and we quickly untangled ourselves as she scurried to get moderately cleaned up. She apologized for the suddenness in parting and expressed her delight in our experience together, stopping post-frenzy to kiss me one last time.
“If you can hang out here a couple of minutes to give us a chance to get downstairs, then you can let yourself out…. I’m so sorry!….I love you….”
“I love you, too. And I love hiking,” I said smiling from bed, as she rushed out to greet someone.
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