Anthony had read the letter alone on a walk with our dog, Jasper, but it didn’t change anything. “It’s still weird, man,” he said, but he also said that it was “cool” of Sammy to reach out.
Our evening unfolded in the usual way. When dinner was ready, I took a plate of food to our bedroom so that Anthony could watch TV in bed while he ate. I sat at the table with Leetl and finished up the laundry while she played on her tablet. Then bathtime and bedtime.
At bedtime, like every other night, Anthony, Leetl, and I made our way together to Leetl’s room. Piggy back rides were temporarily all the rage and would be the only acceptable mode of transportation. We tried tonight (as we did every night) for a moment of calm, pre-sleep family time, and this time…success!
Quick! Get out while you’re still ahead! It was always best to end things on a positive note and reinforce that bedtime was a happy occasion. But I had learned not to leave at the same time as Anthony, thereby creating a simultaneous vacuum and resulting meltdown…so Anthony, after engaging Leetl in some simple connective play, kissed her on the head, telling her that he loved her, and slipped out graciously. Then, as usual, Leetl and I spent a little more time in bed, working toward sleep which wouldn’t occur until much later. When she was younger, I would spend hours in the room with her. These days, I gave us both space in between the times I spent in there, letting her cry it out in intervals. Eventually, she always came to the place where she was content to have time to herself.
Anthony and I were patient parents and made a good team in that way. I tended to all of Leetl’s emotional needs, especially at home…I was there for the long haul. I was on duty all day, most days, and all night, every night. I would be Leetl’s constant companion in the day, and at night, I would get up with her for bottle feedings, diaper changes, or whenever she just woke up, which still happened frequently. At nearly four years old, Leetl kept odd hours. She didn’t nap and sometimes at night slept for only a handful of hours. She still needed diaper changes and I would be sorry if I wasn’t on point for that. She kept me on a short leash, and on my toes.
In public with Leetl…that’s where Anthony shone. My already present social anxiety was exacerbated by the near inevitability of a Leetl meltdown. Anthony did not struggle with this and was always there to sweep her away in the event of one. Plus, Anthony brought home the bacon. I didn’t have to worry about that. We were always able to comfortably pay bills.
He had to wake up early most mornings to see patients so it made sense transitionally that I’d be the one to stay behind at bedtime. So that’s how it went. Usually, when I emerged after completing a bedtime cycle, Anthony would be watching TV and eating gummies in bed. On this particular evening, he was watching one of our comfort shows–The Golden Girls–and was very nearly asleep. I joined him. All in all, it was a pretty standard ending to a pretty standard night. We both slept.
Strangely though, in the middle of the night, he and I awoke at the same time, which never happened. And during those strange hours, Anthony brought up the subject of Sammy. Maybe he wasn’t feeling completely comfortable with the whole situation, but he asked questions about her, expressing unprecedented curiosity. My heart lit up with the thought of a potential opening in him…an interest in another human being…one that I really cared about. It was exciting! He asked about Sammy’s family, where she grew up, what her Olympic life was like, how her relationship with Superbloom was affected by the opening of their marriage…how that could even work. Did she like beer; what kind? I reveled in his interest, reveled in being heard by him, reveled in the subject of Sammy. The letter must have done something, even if he’d said it hadn’t.
This was a whole conversation, and the sun hadn’t even come up yet; thus, the day began with magic! Our morning then continued on its normal path, through Anthony’s workout, past Leetl’s boisterous waking process and our cumulative milling about, across the breakfast table and “hair chair,” until we were ready for an impromptu family excursion. Our ultimate destination: the pumpkin patch.
First, we made a short trip outside of town and into the city…to the aquarium (where Leetl stimmed out like crazy watching the sharks), and then to a brewery where we shared some drinks and gourmet bar food. Leetl had access to her simple favorites: french fries and Coke. Our family preferred breweries for outings. Something about the casual atmosphere (where we could easily extricate ourselves in the event of a Leetl crisis). Beer. No conversation needed due to the built-in entertainment. But on this day, in contrast with so many preceding ones, we had plenty to talk about, and I was jazzed.
After our meal, we headed to a store that carried uncommon beer and liquor. Anthony suggested that we buy some bourbon as a gift for Sammy, in honor of my date with her the following night. Sammy had been excited to find a recipe for a drink that she wanted to make me, with half bourbon and half red wine. Anthony also picked out a lambic beer for her, which he had learned in conversation was one of her favorites. The bourbon would go with me the next night; the lambic beer, he said, would wait at our house for her. I was floored.
Onto the pumpkin patch we went. Leetl was dressed up in the obligatory photo op attire for the season: orange and black polka dotted pants, a frilly Halloween top, and an obnoxious bow on the top of her head. I had been out of cell range most of the day and couldn’t message Sammy. Also, I had been occupied, enjoying newfound quality time with Anthony and Leetl. I took a million photos and found a moment to send some to Sammy. We bought some pumpkins and a pretty vase for fresh flowers and called it a day, heading back home.
It had been a long, fun excursion. Connection with Anthony had been generous, and I wondered how this could be my life. Were we finally trending upward, relationally? I was feeling happier than I had in a long time, maybe ever. A divine newness blew into my life in the form of Sammy, and at the this foreign quality of attention from Anthony swept in. I was glad to have spent the whole day with my family and was also glad to return home where Anthony would play his games so I could touch base with Sammy.
She had been waiting. She wondered how our day was and was happy to hear of all our adventures. She missed me. She asked if Anthony had read her letter; she hadn’t heard anything since last night when she’d sent it to me.
Yes, he’d read it, I told her, and it was good that she’d sent it, even if he said it didn’t matter. I told her how we had woken up in the night and talked about her. I admitted that I’d removed a couple of paragraphs from her letter before sending it to him, out of fear that if Anthony read any parts that made him uneasy, he would squirm right out of that newly opening mind and away from Sammy. I thought I knew what those parts were, so I took the [un]creative liberty of omitting them. All of the sudden, I felt sick for having done it. Her thoughtfully beautiful letter, straight from her heart…tampered with. And yet…I couldn’t deny that it seemed like the right move as far as getting Sammy’s message across in a way that Anthony could receive.
Sammy understood but hoped that in the future, I would check with her on things like that. She was right.
“Anyway,” she added, “I contemplated sending an alternate letter: ‘Hey, Anthony. You’re awesome. Keep it up.’”
I laughed out loud. “That might have landed just as well,” I only halfway joked.
Sammy asked with returned curiosity what Anthony loved. “Oh geez…that list is so long that I can’t even think. He LOVES sports – all kinds – and listens to sports talk radio basically nonstop. He loves craft beer and bourbon – a LOT. He loves animals, especially German shepherds. Loves routine but with bits of interesting new things mixed in. He plays golf. Also loves tacos and reeeeeally spicy foods. Candy, gummies, he eats those every night in bed. His mom, his grandma. The ocean is his happy place. Treasure hunting…rocks and fossils. Holiday decorations, especially Halloween, all of which he put up himself this year. Playing the piano, which he is really good at….”
They were getting to know each other through me, peripherally. I liked it. I enjoyed talking about both of them, and it was invigorating to have mutual curiosity there. As far as meeting each other, who knew when that would happen, but for now, it was exciting that they were both bravely coming to the table in this way.
Our family settled in for the evening…going through our normal routine…my heart having been filled to the brim with unexpected treasures. On this night, when I emerged from Leetl’s room, Anthony had already fallen asleep. I climbed into bed next to him, my face illuminated now by two screens.
I laid my head on Anthony’s chest and checked for messages from Sammy. My own personal bedtime story awaited me:
“Dear One. Thank you for showing up in this life as you are. We are so lucky to be witness to and recipient of your beautiful sensitivity, lightheartedness, love, attention, goodwill, depth of perspective…. Your ability to hold complexity in your hand like a child would hold a curious insect that she found–careful and excited–is something I draw inspiration from every time I think on it.
“P.S.,” she added, “I hope it doesn’t make you uncomfortable to have me writing things like this. The way I figure it, I don’t know how long this (or anything) will last, so I want to really see and reflect you to the max while I have the chance! I want to be in relationship with people that inspire me and to celebrate that experience. I want my heart to break over and over again for how beautiful it all is in every moment. I hope that comes across.”
“You don’t have to worry about making me uncomfortable,” I returned simply. “I am only stunned. The thought I often have of you is: Who talks like this??? You are so romantic, and I can’t even believe your desire is turned in my direction. I feel so lucky to be loved so well by someone as special as you; most of the time, your words leave me speechless…and I can’t wait to see you tomorrow!”
“Looks like the weather will clear up for our evening! I want to make love to you outside by the fire between soaks in the hot tub. Any objections?”
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