“Are we still on for Friday morning?” I asked her.
Sammy laughed. “Could you swing 10:30 to 3:30? Need to know for excursion planning purposes.”
I was effectively handled by her romance. She was planning something for us. And, with that, we firmed up our first date.
A question had been forming into a little ball in the corner of my mind: “Can you remember anything significant going on in your life in October/November of last year?” A seemingly random question, the answer to which might hold a lot of meaning for me.
Around that time is when I fell madly in love madly into something with Superbloom. My desire for her, and consequent despair, had faded over the months, but for the first few of them, my emotional pain was nearly intolerable.
Meeting Sammy, I marveled at the capacity to be so strongly attracted to another person so quickly. Our connection was unlike anything I had ever experienced and unlike anything I could have dreamt up. With a childlike wonder, I asked myself if I had been feeling Sammy all along…through Superbloom. Maybe that would explain why I was so emphatically drawn to someone I didn’t know. Sammy was drawing me in through her wife.
“Yes. A few. Why?”
I gave no explanation but requested that she expand her answer, if she felt willing.
“It depends on what kind of ‘significant’ you’re talking about but…I was going on an extended trip that was specifically about reorganizing my self in relationship to Superbloom. I have much yet to share about our relationship. I also was severely depressed and could hardly think about anything outside of how I could somehow disappear…mostly dreaming about sailing around the world and getting swallowed up by the ocean.”
My heart ached for the Sammy I hadn’t known yet, who had been experiencing similar emotions at the same time, largely in relation to the same woman. It broke my heart that just one year ago I might have contributed to her sense of despair if given the chance to love Superbloom. I had been a participant in Sammy’s pain, indirectly, as part of humanity. I was in love with the woman whose heart I broke.
And she deserved to know my secret. Our relationship deserved to know. It was the most valuable offering I could make…trusting her with the scary truth and my own repentant heart. I couldn’t have felt more vulnerable than in my request, asking Sammy to love me in the face of a big “even though”….
“What are the effing odds?” was the river of words running through my brain, but the deeper waters were undisturbed. I had to tell Sammy everything–in person. And she would understand because our love ran deeper.
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