This is a story about how life changed–a lot–for me in the span of a year or two. After a painful personal event, I was deeply depressed and came out of it curious about the mystery of life and of the universe. I had been a stay-at-home wife/mom for a decade and the kind of Christian Catholic that went to church every week and said rosaries every day. And now, arrested by this event, I started paying attention to my inner workings. I went inside…sought answers there, opening my mind, heart, and spirit wider. Listened more carefully. As a result, I started letting go of things that weren’t serving anyone…least of all, myself. I began seeing my beliefs as a very small piece of an infinite puzzle. God was indefinable.
My then-husband (Anthony) and I became involved with a polyamorous woman (Sammy) and opened up our marriage. When I fell in love with Sammy, Anthony couldn’t tolerate it, and everything unraveled. Anthony and I divorced.
My daughter and I moved into our own house which I’m currently fixing up, and I started working outside of the home again. In the basic framework of polyamory, I continue to be open to what might unfold in myself and in relationships with others as I focus on expanding. My mission is to fall more and more in love.
My “church” now contains everything. Everything belongs–the “good,” the “bad,” the “ugly”. It’s all One. The most important thing I’ve learned throughout this story–my particular story–is to be open to the Everything in yourself. If you can accept whatever you find there, you can accept whatever you find in anyone, and that’s walking in the garden of unconditional love. Essentially, that’s called heaven.
But you know what? I think Rumi says it much better. Here, read this: his “Five Things To Say”….
The wakened lover speaks directly to the beloved:
“You are the sky my spirit circles in
The love inside of love, the resurrection-place.
Let this window be your ear.
I have lost consciousness many times
With longing for your listening silence
And your life-quickening smile.
You give attention to the smallest matters
My suspicious doubts, and to the greatest
You know my coins are counterfeit
But you accept them anyway
My impudence and my pretending!
I have five things to say,
five fingers to give into your grace.
First when I was apart from you
this world did not exist
nor any other.
Second, whatever I was looking for
was always you.
Third, why did I ever learn to count to three?
Fourth, my cornfield is burning!
Fifth, this finger stands for Rabia
and this is for someone else.
Is there a difference?
Are these words or tears?
Is weeping speech?
What shall I do, my love?”
So he speaks, and everyone around
begins to cry with him, laughing crazily
moaning in the spreading union
of lover and beloved.
This is the true religion. All others
are thrown-away bandages beside it.
This is the sema of slavery and mastery
of dancing together. This is not-being.
Neither words, nor any natural fact
can express this.
I know these dancers
day and night I sing their songs
in this phenomenal cage.
My soul, don’t try to answer now!
Find a friend, and hide.
But what can stay hidden?
Love’s secret is always lifting its head
out from under the covers:
“Here I am!”