My anticipation over the approaching evening was teased by Sammy’s unavailability. She was occupied at the farmer’s market all day and there was comparatively little communication leading up to our reunion. Our reunion…*sigh*…. The way I felt with Sammy was inexplicable. I guess this is what people feel when they fall in love. I could never get enough of her, and it wasn’t just the attentiveness in conversation or the passionate sex. Somehow, I craved her presence. Just to be near Sammy, to be communing in some way with her…was heaven.

There was some rising anxiety in leaving Leetl in the care of anyone else during bedtime. I could count on one hand the number of times Anthony had put her to bed…once while I was very sick, once after the ectopic surgery, once while I was very inebriated…. I was always still around though; tonight, I was leaving the premises. My decision to leave Leetl in the care of Anthony, whom I judged to be negligent (loving dad though he was) so that I could pursue a relationship with Sammy made me uneasy. I felt guilty. Could I be so selfish? Yes, I thought. I could. Especially if I didn’t want to give up on life.

I also felt guilty about Anthony. At this point, he had already shown traces of shock and concern over the situation. He was uncomfortable. My actions (although approved) were causing him to have feelings, and I had to fight my own discomfort in refusing to rescue him from them. I wouldn’t change course this time just because he was experiencing human emotions and didn’t like it. Too much was at stake for me.

Do you know what I actually thought?: Good! Maybe these emotions will be your catalyst for change and you can finally become a real boy. But this was a new attitude for me. I had consistently avoided anything that would affect Anthony in a “negative” way, even if it was important to me. Peacemaking and sacrifice were sort of my bag. Need me to bend over backwards, breaking my own spine, so that you’re not uncomfortable? Sure! Need me to carry my own pack and yours because you’re too tired? Absolutely! Anything less would have felt selfish and egotistical. And it was my inability to accept that I had the capability and the right to be selfish that had me all locked up.

To be honest, I didn’t even do the best job at bending over backwards or carrying the heavy load. I tried to but I always burned out. I’d be down for a while and then, I’d gather up some more energy and try again. From my perspective, I didn’t deserve not to operate this way…but I couldn’t keep up with my own demands either. Shame, shame, shame…always present. I was too afraid to see what would happen if I let go of it all. I would have hated myself. Who would I have been not to expect all of those things from myself? I’d have looked like someone I despised. Shame protected me from my fear of the truth: that I couldn’t take it all on…that I didn’t even want to.

But in this moment, heart-deep in Sammy, with our second date on the horizon, a new way wanted to emerge. I had lived my whole life modifying my words and actions for others and had finally come to the end of my rope. And when that happened, Sammy was there. I grabbed onto her and wasn’t letting go easily…not because of a little discomfort–mine or anyone else’s.

Nevertheless, when the time finally came to head out on my date, I felt conflicted. I was too excited to contain it, but I contained it anyway. I felt grief in my belly but the butterflies shooed it away. I had prepared for the evening as best as I could, giving Leetl a full belly, having dinner prepared for Anthony, and giving a brief update of the day and “instructions” for the night before receiving a kiss and a “have fun.” Out the door I went.

How strange to be leaving at this time of the evening. The sun had almost gone down. I didn’t remember what it felt like to have evening plans. If I ever left in the dark, it was just for a quick run to the grocery store -or- we were all together. It was a feeling of freedom…driving in the evening-time, windows rolled down, no sounds of crying, my own adult music on the car speakers. I felt like my own person…which was almost scary.

I hadn’t heard much from Sammy all day but we had arranged to both be at her home by 7pm, and she would bring us dinner from the market. Pulling up to the lakehouse, right on time, I was immediately seduced all over again. It’s as if the property itself radiated Sammy and intoxicated me as I entered her drive. The view of the lake and mountains wasn’t bad either. I was calm and excited…buzzed…as if I were two cocktails deep.

And then there she was again, standing at the door, waiting…a goddess. I parked my car, opened the door, and got out…never taking my eyes off her as I floated to the front door. This time, I knew what to expect. I slid my hands around her waist, pulling her towards me, our mutual gaze lustful, full of want.

Did we make it to the kitchen where the food was? I don’t remember. I was caught up in a whirlwind of passionate kissing and undulations. We landed in a bed surrounded by a sea of candles and spent the next six hours exploring there.

---

And then it happened that it was time for me to go home. It was well past one in the morning and tomorrow would be an early enough day for everyone. I’d be awake at the first Leetl stirrings. Anthony would be back at work. Was he still awake?, I wondered….

Sammy loaded me up with some raspberries for Leetls and some bacon for me, and we said our regretful goodbyes, fully satiated with each other, and still wanting more. My heart ached leaving her; my body, too. She felt like home. A sexy, sexy home. Where I could rest, where I could fully express myself. Where I understood that she meant to leave nothing on the table. We were meant to know and be known by each other.

Nevertheless, we somehow pulled ourselves away, our lips not parting until one second before I shut my car door. Driving away, I was stunned at the series of events. Again. How could this all be happening? To me…good little Catholic girl, long-time devoted wife and mother. Involved in a steamy love story with a married woman?

I mused about this on the way home, also curious what I would find there in Normalland upon returning. Would anyone be awake? Would things have gone well? As I pulled down our private driveway, I received one bit of information. I had a clear view into Leetl’s bedroom. Luckily, we lived in a wooded area with a steeply-sloped driveway down to our house, where no one could see inside unless they were right next to it. Months earlier, when we moved in, Leetl had been able to climb up into the windowsill and completely demolish her window blinds. I took them down. Now, at 2am on this dark night, I saw bright light shining through her blindless bedroom windows. They were all turned on.

I checked my phone quickly. A few texts from friends, which I skipped past, and a message from Sammy: “I just googled your house and realize now that it takes 30 minutes to get to your house. I’m so sorry! I’ll stay awake until I hear that you made it safely.”

I snapped a photo of my view and sent it to her. “Made it safely! But all lights in Leetl’s room are on–I need to check on her. If you’re still awake, I’ll say goodnight afterwards.”

Walking inside, all was quiet. A good sign, I thought. Slowly and silently, I twisted the doorknob to enter Leetl’s room. There she was, in a state which was more exaggerated than usual but not unexpected. She had not yet become familiar with the concept of escaping her crib and was lying in it. She had characteristically removed all of the bedding out, including the fitted mattress sheet, and thrown it out of the crib. Her head was plunged underneath a gigantic stuffed bear, no doubt to keep out the brightness. Also in her crib was a lamp and a picture frame she managed to pull off the wall.

I was both amused and pissed. Amused because this was such my girl, and pissed because this was such my husband. One night…just one night. I took the home decor items out of Leetl’s bed, covered her with a blanket, and turned out the lights.

I headed back to mine and Anthony’s bedroom where the television was still on. As I walked in, he stirred. “Hey, how did it go? Did you have fun?”

“I did. How was your night?” I asked.

“Oh, it was just fine. No issues.”

“Leetl’s lights were all on…I thought she must have been awake. When did you last check on her?” I hoped he could feel that I was judging him. What kind of a dad didn’t bother to check up on his wife little girl every so often? I had to confront him about this, passive-aggressively, of course.

“She cried for a while and I checked on her again around 10. She was okay…just kind of having her time.”

“Ahhh…ok. Well, I’m gonna go take a shower before bed.”

I gave him a hug and kiss and then headed to the bathroom. When I came out, he was asleep. And I really missed Sammy.

I turned on my phone: there she was, waiting for me.

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