“Good morning! What have you been up to?” I messaged Sammy the next day.
Anthony happened to be off for the second day in a row, so it was another lazy day at home. I stayed cozy in bed, soaking up reading and journaling time while I kept an ear out for Leetl to wake up. Anthony had gotten up early to check off some of his daily personal fulfillments…working out, listening to sports radio, playing video games. Most of his days off were spent in the downstairs level of our home, a gigantic man cave, which was connected to the upstairs by an outdoor staircase. I had gifted him a golf simulator for some special occasion…a birthday or Christmas. He liked to practice his swing and his aim, and he would spend hours at a time doing that. Occasionally, a stray ball from down below would crack loudly against the floor beneath my bed.
Sammy’s answer sounded charming. “I’ve been doing various things…running around the lake, reading/snuggling, cleaning out a closet, massage exchange…. Superbloom came home a little while ago and we read poetry in bed…now she is curled around my back, sleeping soundly while I text you. It’s all pretty damn adorable…. How did the rest of your conversation go with Anthony? Anything you’re willing to share?”
I had discussed certain things with Anthony regarding Sammy and me. He was concerned. Mostly about Sammy and her becoming too attached to me, given that Sammy’s wife was in a serious relationship with someone else. He assumed that this “abandonment” would have left Sammy with a “hole” that needed filling. But mostly, really, Anthony seemed concerned about me getting involved in a messy situation.
“What if the emotions get out of hand?” was the question he had posed to me. “What’s the end game in all of this? Your exit strategy?”
I didn’t have one. I was relying solely on my (and Sammy’s) (and, frankly, Anthony’s) strength…and capacity…to handle difficult emotions as they arose. It’s the way I had always done things; it seemed the same for Sammy. And Anthony didn’t seem to be affected emotionally by much at all so I assumed he was good.
Anthony did apparently need reassurance, though, that our family was my top priority. I gave it to him assuredly, explaining that he and Leetl would always be put first, as Superbloom would always be put first by Sammy. I would never put them in jeopardy.
I told Sammy about Anthony’s reservations, adding: “He tends to ask about what we’ve done, but of course with you and me, it’s not really about that: it’s about the connection. And that’s the part that scares him.”
“He should know that that kind of connection can only happen in the context of our both being in grounded, solid, loving partnerships. It’s a gift to be able to explore these edges of ourselves and then to be able to bring the incredible goodness that that offers back to our family…. Superbloom and I have never been closer, actually, and that is saying a lot. She has made such a beautiful shift, as have I. And you have helped me get here. I’m so grateful. You helped break something free in me. I rediscovered the flow of Love that is always there but often obscured by patterns and hurts and and and….”
“You do know that if Anthony said, ‘I’m done – I can’t do this anymore,’ I would honor that?” I was just checking. I had to be sure.
“I do. And I want that for your family…. Dan Savage always says something like ‘make sure you leave your people better than when you found them.’ You have fulfilled that in such a sweet way. Even if you had to drop away suddenly due to the needs of your family, I would be kissing the ground in gratitude for the fact of you in the world.”
As so often with words I read from Sammy, her intensity and generosity were spellbinding. I had no words of reply, only little yellow animated faces of love and awe.
Sammy went on. “I told Superbloom how impressed I was with your claiming your yeses…that you were a complete badass. (Sorry for the crassness…I know it doesn’t suit you.) I told her how hot you were and described some of the amazing ways you showed up. I told her I was really looking forward to Tuesday night. She was excited for us.”
There was a brief pause before Sammy continued.
“I have been working on a letter to Anthony. I’m almost finished. I think he’ll feel better with some assurances and articulation of common ground on my part.”
“I mentioned that and…he actually said he’d rather just meet you. Are you up for that?”
“Totally! I much prefer it. It’s uncomfortable for me that he doesn’t know me…. Are you spending the night on Tuesday?”
“Oh, I didn’t know I was being extended an overnight offer! But I actually can’t, anyway. Anthony has to work the next morning, so I’ll need to be home with Leetl.” (I also had never been away from Leetl overnight; that was a big step, on more than one level.)
“How late can you stay with me Tuesday? Do you need to get home before Anthony goes to bed?”
“No, but…I’m thinking that he’ll have trouble sleeping until I’m home, so I won’t stay out too late.”
“Are you available two weekends out for us to spend some longer time together?”
“I would love to spend those days with you, but I’m not sure we’re there yet…’we’re’ meaning Anthony and I.”
“You’re kind of an enigma to me. I just…keep not being able to understand how you exist.”
As Superbloom stirred awake, Sammy excused herself and skittered off to go play with her, given that Thursdays were their designated days of unobliterated time to spend together.
I disappeared for some hours too, tending to Leetl, performing housely duties, ordering groceries online, which was my new custom, given the pandemic culture.
When Sammy re-emerged electronically, she had finished her letter to Anthony.
“I wonder if we might start a group chat between the three of us….” she suggested.
Anthony had been experiencing a squeamishness around intimate contact with Sammy, as was his style in general. He would not be interested, I assumed I knew, based on his previous reactions to gestures of connection.
“I love your heart. I don’t think it’s time yet. He and I are about to head out for something to eat, though, and I can approach the idea with him. He seems to need time to sort this out alone, as is his way…he’s not into working it out through talking or listening, if that makes sense. It’s a difficult aspect of our relationship, if I’m being honest. I hope you can understand his need for some distance in the beginning….”
“Sounds good. I’ll send you what I wrote and you can share or not.”
Dear Anthony,
Hi, it’s Sammy. 🙂 I have seen and experienced your admirable character through the eyes of your loving wife, and look forward to a time when I can meet you, as well. I have been somewhat uncomfortable not having been in direct conversation with you, reassuring you around what my interest and motives are in relationship with her. I stopped myself from insisting that I formally do so because it sounded like you guys were rolling with it all in a way that I admire and respect–two loving autonomous souls wanting to see the other thrive within the context of their commitment to each other, whatever that looks like for them. I fully identify with that sentiment in my relationship with Superbloom, AND I have to say that it hasn’t been exactly easy actually assimilate it all, especially where it wades out of the waters that we all swim in (hetero-normative monogamy). So, I wouldn’t be so surprised if this was your experience, as well.
I feel it is such a precious gift to be able to jump into the unknown with your wife, and your consent is a critical part of that gift. And in order to consent, it seems you need to know a little more about what/who you”re consenting to.
I want to assure you that I only have love for your wife (and you and Leetl). Love doesn’t possess, demand, create havoc. I love with an open hand and try to have my eyes wide open, perceiving where the service of love is most needed.
If it were me in your position, the escalation of this new relationship would feel really fast and scary. From this side of the equation, I want to say that while it’s crazy fun to ride the wave of new relationship energy, we are adults in important relationships to humans we love and adore and are fully committed to. And where my Loves are committed, so am I. Your and Leetl’s comfort, ease, and delight are important to me. The harmony and thriving energy within your household is one I want to fully support. If I had a hope, it would be that this exploration is one that brings only goodness and growth to both of our families…more love, more support, more fully expressed individuals in community with each other.
I’d like to propose that we can discover what the form of that wants to look like by being in open conversation. Finding our yeses and our nos through time and experience, knowing all the while that your needs and feelings are valid and respected. There are two sets of eyes looking to meet you where you’re at with tenderness and care.
Without talking with you, I haven’t gotten a sense of exactly where your pain and fear lives. These are usually born of old childhood trauma that we have no control over and can be really confusing…our mind will rationally know one thing (that you are safe and loved and respected, etc.), but our body and emotions react in a way that our brains might perceive as ridiculous (at least this is my experience). If you have parts like that, I hope you can be patient with them. And, should you and your wife decide to continue this exploration in opening up in my direction, I hope you will reach for our support when you’re experiencing those parts. If there are ones that you have identified that could be addressed by actions or words on my or your wife’s part, I hope you will not hesitate to ask. As a ‘for instance,’ I have a part that gets really anxious about being left out. When Superbloom started to venture out, that anxious part would quiet down by Superbloom simply calling me with her excitement about what she was doing; texting with a fun picture from her date, etc. I also had a super insecure part, and that part was easily soothed by explicit, verbal reassurances of love and affection and specialness. These may not be your particular things, but know that it’s ok to just ask for stuff that makes your life easier and more awesome for you!
Because of the sensitive and complex nature of it all, this letter is sure to fall short in so many ways. I hope it can serve as an opening to more ongoing, open conversation. I’d prefer it if we are in some way connecting and talking about this stuff together, but if you don’t feel the want or need to be in direct conversation, your wife will be the conduit, and I hope you know I’m on the other end loving you in the ways that I can. No matter what all this looks like, in the end.
With so much in the way of love and respect and gratitude for the way you are in the world….
Sammy
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